pink is my fav color

it's not about where we live it's HOW we live.. sometimes we have to 'go away' to actually understand how to live. i am not here by accident i wasn't called the ooops baby ya know. God has made every part of me how He wanted no matter what i think or feel. I am created in His image! I am here to worship Him in all things, in everything i do, think, speak etc. .... i am learning that 'worship' does not just happen at church singing or listening to music... it's a lifestyle... worship is so much deeper than a church service or a quiet time or a prayer, it's a continuous loving relationship with him in everything we do, say, or think. this doesn't even really touch the subject but u get it ;) ..... tomorrow i find out my departing day, i'm not really nervous any more, i'm just ready to go! i will really miss my family and friends but am so thankful for the time i've had with them. God is soooo good and his grace is soo abundant.... one thing i know for SURE is that He loves me so much!!

life is not a movie

today i started to get rid of some of my things and to realize how blessed i have been. although i've been a real pain for my family esp my parents they have showed me what unconditional love really means. i'm so sooo thankful for the family God has blesssed me with and all the things i have learned and some experiences along the way. i could of done without some of them!
as things have been taken away from me (phone, car, so-called friends and being on lock down) i have been able to clear my mind some and to realize how lucky i am that I have a God who loves me soo much to give me another chance. for some reason He has kept me here and i have a good feeling now that my life really does have a purpose all i have to do is completely give everything, every part of my being, inside and out to Him. i truely believe He is taken away things to get my attention and to show me i only need him for happiness for true life for purpose for everything i could ever want or ask for. He wants to show me He is more than enough. and being that i'm still holding on to things and still dependent on this life and living here, He wants to take me even furthur to show me His love and His will for my life. he wants me to be alone in desperate need of him that i will have nothing or no one familiar to call on or to have. that i'm so broken and desperate that i will only call on him for everything i need and want in life. going away is not a bad thing it's to show me how much he cares for me and wants everything good for me. he has been jealous all this time and wants me to return to my first love. he wants all of my attention for once and i am gladly going to give it to him. until now i have been dependent on family, friends, jobs, money, drugs, relationships, acceptance from other people, everything but Him. He is going to take all the knowledge i have of Him and His word and increase that and put it in my heart so i can live a life pleasing and honoring Him and Him alone. my mind will be transformed and completely renewed and i will hunger and thirst after righteousness like never before. He will show me how to love myself and to love the beautiful person He created. i will grow in confidence that the work that He began in me will be until completion. thanks be to God for this hope that only He can give.

Lord your will....

u know those mornings where you wake up early tossin and turnin tryin to go back to sleep but ya know something is wrong? ya that was me this a.m. though i ignored the feelin and slept anyways. that was til i heard the phone. usually i ignore that too but this time i got up knowin somethin wasn't right. ..so my g-pa fell outta his wheel chair again and hit his head and is now in boone in surgery. he hasn't woke up since the fall. though i know the Lord is with him it's still so hard to swallow. and my family esp my g-ma and all she has been going thru is even harder.
i've come to realize not fully acceptin yet that loved ones do get old and sick and that's part of life. recently i didn't even want to think bout it and wanted to be numb and not think about it. now one week and one day later my mind is becoming more clear to the realities of life. there will be mountains and valleys but God is with us, all i gotta do is call on His name. He is there with outstretched arms. I can't wait around til i leave and then expect changes within my inner most being. i have to start now and allow God to begin His work within me Now. He is so ready and willing and He sent so many people to me over and over again to tell me how much He loves me and how much He wants to use me. I am sooo loved and i am soo greatful and blessed. .......

random

my boss is so great to me, yesterday i went into work and there set a bag and on it was a card w/ my name on it! i opened it to find rick warren's book 'the purpose driven life' (it's great so far!!) and also inside this pink bag was a really cute skirt w/ a blouse lol ;) i smiled big time and i read the card and of course got teary eyed. that was definitely the best part of my day, the rest was whew just a struggle
i'm countin down the days til i leave... i just talked to my nephew and i think that will be the hardest to leave behind. i'm already homesick and i haven't even left yet lol...i'm such a spoiled brat i know! ;)

no more destruction

it's 1pm and i just woke up, ya if my dad hadn't made me i would of slept til tomorrow! today has to be a lil better than yesterday when all i wanted to do was overdose on stupid drugs. it's just today i'm having hard time even havin a purpose for today. it could be from trying to stop all my behavior meds that i have taken for like 15 years and also to stop all my worldly addictions. i do have to say though being clean for 4 days from drugs i know is a good thing.
i was sabataging my own life and i didn't even care. now i am surrounded by so much support and love that they won't let me anymore. i wanted help and Lord knows i needed it! i have never felt so loved in my whole life and i'm sooo thankful.
i got about 29 days left here though i can only take one at a time. my whole life i have been so selfish and did what i wanted when i wanted to do it. i hurt so many people along the way and i hate it so much. i can't go back though and i can't look back. The Lord has a purpose for my life, i just have to completely give up all of 'me' and begin to do everything different. first and foremost putting the old self behind and start living in the new person He has made me.
i won't lie i'm really sad and this is really hard. but i'm excited at the same time. i wanna know who i really am, what my purpose really is in life, i just have to find myself. i wish i could of done that hear but i detoured with every attempt. i'm gonna miss soo many things here and soo many people, it breaks my heart to think bout what i'll be gone for. but at same time i know if i stay, i'll continue what i was doing and end up dying or going to prison.
so this is it!! i'm not going alone i know that!!!

to be complete

hmmm am i really doing this nonsense lol ... who does this .. ash says it would be good for me soooo i guess i am ;)
off work today and kinda bored getting a coffee buzz to do what maybe jump on my bed and dance around and pretend i'm on american idol?!
i think i may 'hang out' in my closet (it's inside thing really but i have pics,letters,just stuff from my past that i need to go thru) it's weird i know. but that's where i left some of my past that someday i gotta deal with. it makes me sad and i always end up ballin like a lil baby, but i think sometimes its good for me. although i'm left empty and alone there's only one person to turn to and He will fill me up the way i need.
in all honesty i think i already feel so alone and completely empty. will i ever completely let Him fill me with grace, faith, love etc and not run away and stumble and fall. ....
i want clean hands and a pure heart but what's the measure i'm willing to take and the things i'm willing to completely give up and turn from?......